Martin Has The X Factor

Last Saturday I sat in my big chair in my little flat and watched The X Factor. It's not something I normally do but my friend Tim had asked me to contribute some guest columnist comments to his tremendous blog along with Sian, Chris, and Socrates. Here, for pure shits and giggles, are my thoughts on last weeks episode in full...

That was the first full X Factor show I have watched and I have to say I won't be tuning in again. It reminded me of watching WWF wrestling when I was a kid, too much cheering, insane graphics, and coronary inducing theme music. I did laugh at Eoghan's intro bit, especially when a star was born within his eye before shooting out into the screen. Very 'Day Today'. I also laughed at the faces of the contestants at the 'Vote for us' stage after their performance. They looked up into my eyes like whimpering diseased puppies in a cardboard box left on my doorstep. It is a sad day in hell when the only judge i liked was Simon bloody Cowell, a man so rich that he can store thousands of pounds in the vast attic space built into the top of his hair. Danni Minogue was 'nice' but didn't appear to have anything to
say and constantly looked on the edge of crying which was very distracting. Cheryl Cole is an amazing looking girl but when she spoke she sounded like a bank robber issuing demands in a bank siege and i became very aware of the strange prison tattoo on her right hand. Scary. Louis Walsh is the worst of the lot. He looks and acts like a war criminal on the run, all strange little facial tics and a most
insincere smile.

Anyway, it was 'American Week' or as Dermot O'Leary referred to it 'Tearfest'. Everyone was crying. It was disturbingly similar to the news footage of the aftermath of a high school shooting. Dermot appeared at the end of each performance and after brutally manhandling each contestant (I particularly enjoyed when he almost strangled Eoghan) he would offer them a ragged piece of tissue. Anyone would
think he wanted them all to cry. The word for the day was 'Iconic' and Louis Milošević used it as much as humanly possible. BRITNEY was coming, the worlds favourite pop mentalist. Until then we had the contestants and their two songs each.

(in no particular order)

1. RUTH

Or Shouty McBoobs as I liked to think of her. I know she was a fave of yours Tim and I wanted to like her but I thought she was poor on this show up until her last performance. The Britney cover was a massively bad choice and between mumbling through a wall of echo and shouting at me like a drill sergeant I couldn't really make out her voice. This was remedied in the next song, a Bon Fucking Jovi ballad. Already losing in my opinion but hey. This truly was a scary performance.
Accompanied by a wall of flame Ruth turned 'I will Love You Baby Always' into a furious threat. At one point near the end I thought she was going to explode and braced myself. At the end her face melted with emotion and Cheryl said it sounded like 'it came from the pit of your stomach' which although supposed to be a compliment was actually insinuating that it sounded like she was throwing up.

2. JLS

Instantly annoying. I spent both of their performances trying to think of a good explanation of their name. Just Like Showaddywaddy? Jesus Loves Smiles? Obviously I failed. They did 'Hit me baby one more time' and I have to say I don't think I would ever tire of hitting them. Especially the tiny lead singer who, like everyone else on the show, had a 'CRY' button on his back that could be pressed at the end of the
song. For some unexplained reason the group performed in front of a metal bar, sole purpose of which seemed to be for them to lean on like winos at the start of the song. One guys jacket was so shiny I could see my face in it. The judges gave them a kicking. I think it was Simon referred to them as both 'Limp' and 'Lame' which made me 'Laugh' at 'Louis'. For their second song I have written down in my notes 'BORING'.

3.ALEXANDRA

Quite liked Amanda actually and thought she gave best performance of the night. A little disturbed by her announcement that she can taste her dreams though, is she an X-Man? (not an Ex-man Tim, although I could see the 'tranny' thing a couple of times when the camera caught her face wrong). Her Britney cover was Toxic and she gave it a good going over but on her second song she got stuck in and was so good that it made Simon 'proud to be british' which seemed an odd thing to say on American Week. Alexandra said Cheryl was her backbone which if true would make Alex the toughest woman alive.

4. EOGHAN

I hate kids on talent shows so this little prick was already up against it with me. His weird cold dead eyes reminded me too much of Haley Joel Osment, the kid from The Sixth Sense, to be considered 'cute' and 'lovable'. He fumbled his way through a miserable Britney cover after which everyone told him he was shit. To be fair to the little android he did not excrete salt-water from his eye sockets and was wheeled away. His next song was, I later found out, from that fucking abomination 'High School Musical' and so yet again Quigg was doomed in my eyes. He jigged about the stage with the grace and flow of a Thunderbirds puppet accompanied by at least 300 dancers. At many points I lost track of him and half expected (read as 'really wanted')him to be trampled underfoot. Louis babbled on about dancing like the petulant man child he is and everyone else cooed over little Eoghan like broody aunties. Best part was his beyond gormless expression at the end during the 'vote plead'. He looked smug, confused, and sad all at the same time which makes him some sort of facial expression triathlete.

5. DIANA

Or Buffy The Lyric Slayer. A very pretty mess. She appeared on both performances to have just got home after a night of gin and crying. She blundered about on-stage barefoot slurring her way through a Britney slush-ballad and giving a valium induced mumble-core version one of the most depressing songs ever, Everybody Hurts by REM. I wanted to put my coat around her and put her in a taxi home. I have noted here that she appeared to have a giant screen saver on in the background throughout both songs and that her initial appearance on a psychiatrists couch for her Britney cover was very apt. Cheryl said it was 'pitchy' like we are all supposed to know what that means.

Contestants temporarily done with, we had an hours respite (I played my XBOX) before the mild irritant Miley Cyrus sang something about someone and then BRITNEY WAS THERE. BRITNEY then did a completely lacklustre 'Vic-and-Bob-Shooting-Stars' club style song called 'Wuhhmenisahhhh'. As if this wasn't underwhelming enough she then gave a terrible interview finishing with the sage advice that all the contestants should 'Keep doin' it'. What a woman.

In the end poor Hair 'n' Boobs lost and left very gracefully, but not before destroying the first 3 rows of audience with her nuclear holocaust version of 'Always' again. Apocalyptic to say the least.