Martin Has The X Factor

Last Saturday I sat in my big chair in my little flat and watched The X Factor. It's not something I normally do but my friend Tim had asked me to contribute some guest columnist comments to his tremendous blog along with Sian, Chris, and Socrates. Here, for pure shits and giggles, are my thoughts on last weeks episode in full...

That was the first full X Factor show I have watched and I have to say I won't be tuning in again. It reminded me of watching WWF wrestling when I was a kid, too much cheering, insane graphics, and coronary inducing theme music. I did laugh at Eoghan's intro bit, especially when a star was born within his eye before shooting out into the screen. Very 'Day Today'. I also laughed at the faces of the contestants at the 'Vote for us' stage after their performance. They looked up into my eyes like whimpering diseased puppies in a cardboard box left on my doorstep. It is a sad day in hell when the only judge i liked was Simon bloody Cowell, a man so rich that he can store thousands of pounds in the vast attic space built into the top of his hair. Danni Minogue was 'nice' but didn't appear to have anything to
say and constantly looked on the edge of crying which was very distracting. Cheryl Cole is an amazing looking girl but when she spoke she sounded like a bank robber issuing demands in a bank siege and i became very aware of the strange prison tattoo on her right hand. Scary. Louis Walsh is the worst of the lot. He looks and acts like a war criminal on the run, all strange little facial tics and a most
insincere smile.

Anyway, it was 'American Week' or as Dermot O'Leary referred to it 'Tearfest'. Everyone was crying. It was disturbingly similar to the news footage of the aftermath of a high school shooting. Dermot appeared at the end of each performance and after brutally manhandling each contestant (I particularly enjoyed when he almost strangled Eoghan) he would offer them a ragged piece of tissue. Anyone would
think he wanted them all to cry. The word for the day was 'Iconic' and Louis Milošević used it as much as humanly possible. BRITNEY was coming, the worlds favourite pop mentalist. Until then we had the contestants and their two songs each.

(in no particular order)

1. RUTH

Or Shouty McBoobs as I liked to think of her. I know she was a fave of yours Tim and I wanted to like her but I thought she was poor on this show up until her last performance. The Britney cover was a massively bad choice and between mumbling through a wall of echo and shouting at me like a drill sergeant I couldn't really make out her voice. This was remedied in the next song, a Bon Fucking Jovi ballad. Already losing in my opinion but hey. This truly was a scary performance.
Accompanied by a wall of flame Ruth turned 'I will Love You Baby Always' into a furious threat. At one point near the end I thought she was going to explode and braced myself. At the end her face melted with emotion and Cheryl said it sounded like 'it came from the pit of your stomach' which although supposed to be a compliment was actually insinuating that it sounded like she was throwing up.

2. JLS

Instantly annoying. I spent both of their performances trying to think of a good explanation of their name. Just Like Showaddywaddy? Jesus Loves Smiles? Obviously I failed. They did 'Hit me baby one more time' and I have to say I don't think I would ever tire of hitting them. Especially the tiny lead singer who, like everyone else on the show, had a 'CRY' button on his back that could be pressed at the end of the
song. For some unexplained reason the group performed in front of a metal bar, sole purpose of which seemed to be for them to lean on like winos at the start of the song. One guys jacket was so shiny I could see my face in it. The judges gave them a kicking. I think it was Simon referred to them as both 'Limp' and 'Lame' which made me 'Laugh' at 'Louis'. For their second song I have written down in my notes 'BORING'.

3.ALEXANDRA

Quite liked Amanda actually and thought she gave best performance of the night. A little disturbed by her announcement that she can taste her dreams though, is she an X-Man? (not an Ex-man Tim, although I could see the 'tranny' thing a couple of times when the camera caught her face wrong). Her Britney cover was Toxic and she gave it a good going over but on her second song she got stuck in and was so good that it made Simon 'proud to be british' which seemed an odd thing to say on American Week. Alexandra said Cheryl was her backbone which if true would make Alex the toughest woman alive.

4. EOGHAN

I hate kids on talent shows so this little prick was already up against it with me. His weird cold dead eyes reminded me too much of Haley Joel Osment, the kid from The Sixth Sense, to be considered 'cute' and 'lovable'. He fumbled his way through a miserable Britney cover after which everyone told him he was shit. To be fair to the little android he did not excrete salt-water from his eye sockets and was wheeled away. His next song was, I later found out, from that fucking abomination 'High School Musical' and so yet again Quigg was doomed in my eyes. He jigged about the stage with the grace and flow of a Thunderbirds puppet accompanied by at least 300 dancers. At many points I lost track of him and half expected (read as 'really wanted')him to be trampled underfoot. Louis babbled on about dancing like the petulant man child he is and everyone else cooed over little Eoghan like broody aunties. Best part was his beyond gormless expression at the end during the 'vote plead'. He looked smug, confused, and sad all at the same time which makes him some sort of facial expression triathlete.

5. DIANA

Or Buffy The Lyric Slayer. A very pretty mess. She appeared on both performances to have just got home after a night of gin and crying. She blundered about on-stage barefoot slurring her way through a Britney slush-ballad and giving a valium induced mumble-core version one of the most depressing songs ever, Everybody Hurts by REM. I wanted to put my coat around her and put her in a taxi home. I have noted here that she appeared to have a giant screen saver on in the background throughout both songs and that her initial appearance on a psychiatrists couch for her Britney cover was very apt. Cheryl said it was 'pitchy' like we are all supposed to know what that means.

Contestants temporarily done with, we had an hours respite (I played my XBOX) before the mild irritant Miley Cyrus sang something about someone and then BRITNEY WAS THERE. BRITNEY then did a completely lacklustre 'Vic-and-Bob-Shooting-Stars' club style song called 'Wuhhmenisahhhh'. As if this wasn't underwhelming enough she then gave a terrible interview finishing with the sage advice that all the contestants should 'Keep doin' it'. What a woman.

In the end poor Hair 'n' Boobs lost and left very gracefully, but not before destroying the first 3 rows of audience with her nuclear holocaust version of 'Always' again. Apocalyptic to say the least.

Wasps 3 : The Quickening

2 months have passed. I have grown a beard. Not because of lack of access to shaving facilities, I have stuff in the flat. No, it is a beard of suffering. A beard of wasp enforced solitude. There are so many outside my windows that I am in constant darkness. I think I angered them a few weeks ago. Somehow one of them had got into the flat. I trapped it in the kitchen and hoped it would tire itself out and die. For 2 hours I sat and listened as it bounced into wall and window, before the sound stopped and I peered in. The wasp lay on its back, seemingly expired. I picked it up using my trusty Guardian and set it down on the table in front of the main window. The legs moved ever so slightly, as if in death throes and I bowed my head in respect. I could feel the hundreds of compound eyes on me and I felt obliged to allow their brother/sister a dignified death. Then it made a strong loud buzzing noise and instinct kicked in. In a flash I had lifted the paper and brought it down on the already mortally wounded beast, spreading it across the table like so much evil pate.

The noise of the wasps outside increased to a howl. I have just executed one of them, I thought, in cold blood no less. I remembered reading somewhere that when you squished a wasp, it left a scent that attracted other wasps. "Bent on revenge no doubt" I mumbled to myself. My god, what would they do to me now? In an effort to repair the damage already done, I scooped the remains of the fallen one into a match box and, head bowed, placed it on the window ledge before backing away.

Since then I have locked myself in the bathroom with only hastily grabbed fig rolls and hot chocolate granules to sustain me. Outside I can hear the wasps chewing through my cardboard defences, inching closer and closer to me. I feel like Saddam Hussain. I imagine myself as a sexy dictator of some sort of sexy Amazon land full of half naked women being sexy and stuff...woah. The sound of wasp outside my door has suddenly gotten louder. They are in the flat. The cardboard defences have failed me. The sound is deafening and I am now huddled behind the toilet, praying for a quick death.

Its morning. And what's more its quiet. I must've finally fallen asleep. I crawl across the floor to the bathroom door. I cannot hear a thing. I will risk a look. I carefully peel back the door and dart my head out. The first thing I notice is the distinct lack of wasps in the room. This is good. Next thing I notice is that my wooden table and chairs are gone. I really don't want to see the wasps that carried that stuff out, I think to myself moronically. I venture further into the room. Light is once more pouring into the flat and I notice that the matchbox containing The Unknown Wasp has gone. I turn to check the kitchen and there is someone there. Squealing like a large woman who has just seen david blaine remove his thumb and magically replace it, I fall back onto the carpet. "WHOTHFUCKARREYOUWHATTAREYOUDOINPLEASEDONTHURTME" I screech, bravely. No reply. The figure is not moving. I move cautiously forward until the light gives a better indication of what new terror I'm about to face.

It's me. It is a life size me made entirely of well chewed wood chippings. The statue depicts me holding a rolled up paper in one hand, and in the other, a matchbox. It is stunningly accurate apart from the antennae they have added to my head and the wings on my back. I run to the window. The wasps have gone. I hear birdsong, lawnmowers, and the cold, dead laughter of a child. I fall to my knees and weep sweet chocolatey, figgy tears of joy.

Wasps 2

It's been a few days now since the wasps came back. I managed to seal all possible entrances into my flat and have kept the windows shut. Still they gather outside my window. Buzzing around and occasionally bumping into the glass, like they are testing its resistance. I have not left the house since THEY came. Work called and I feigned illness the first day. After that I stopped answering the phone. I have to stay here. This is MY flat. If I go they may find a way in. What then? Eh? All my furniture chewed up and a huge uber-nest on my wall. Thats what then. Nooooo. Not this time you godless flying hitlers. I will prevail. I have been ordering pizza online and getting the pizza man to push them through the letterbox. So far this has been less than efficient. Most of the pizza toppings have been gathering in a little pepperoni pile outside my door. This has in turn attracted flies. As long as THEY don't smell it i'm ok. Last night I lay awake all night wondering....if THEY kept trying to get through my keyhole would evolution take over? Would they eventually breed a wasp capable of either coming through the keyhole or worse...a wasp that could function as a key and open my door, beckoning in the legions that await? What would that be called? Wey? Kasp? Kesp? At this point, 4 am apparently, my neighbor Mr. Hatred shouted through the wall. I really should develop an internal monologue of some sort. The walls are thin in this building.

Wasps

Well…I knew they’d come back. Its wasp season once again in my flat. Last night I was forced to face 3 massive, stupid angry wasps with only the guardian (living up to its name) to defend myself with. They are getting in through a ventilation..um..vent in my kitchen. The first one caught me off guard and I couldn’t figure out where it had come from. I have 3 different vents in the flat. so at 11.30 pm last night I was running around my small abode in my pants with a rolled up paper in one hand and cardboard and sellotape in the other. Furiously smacking the winged devils with the paper and sealing up the ventilation points with tape and cardboard. All the while chattering to myself and the wasps in a deranged whisper. “ohhh I’ll get ya, I’ll get ya, think you’re great, get through this hole now you stripy stingy bastards, fuck you wasps, I'll kill ya, I'll kill ya…”. I could almost hear the “plinky plonky crazy” music from The Shining in the background. So I’ve called landlords and they are sending in the cavalry. Should be all dead by tomorrow hopefully. As will I be, more than likely due to the lack of ventilation in my flat.

Uneccessary Force

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Adam Buxton Excellence

Incidentally, I hope Morgan Freeman is ok. I think he's great. He would be a great loss.

Music I Am Currently Running Into The Ground

Here are some tremendous tunes I seem to be battering at the moment....

'Stay Positive' - The Hold Steady

'Frankie's Gun!' - The Felice Brothers

'Dancers At The End of Time' - Howlin' Rain

'The General Specific' - Band of Horses

'Things Ain't What They Used To Be' - The Black Keys

'Don't Pay No Mind' - The Congregation

'Sitting' - White Denim

'Dallas' - Johnny Winter

'Ring of Fire' - This Kid Named Miles

'Beat It' - Supergrass

'Feel Alright' - Steve Earle

'Berlin' - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

'Where The Bands Are' - Bruce Springsteen

'Mykonos' - Fleet Foxes

'Mr. E's Beautiful Blues (Butch 'n' Joey Remix)' - Eels

'I'll Be Creepin' - Free

'What New York Used To Be' - The Kills

'Do That There' - Lyrics Born

'Figaro' - Madvillain

'The Mask' - Dangerdoom feat. Ghostface Killah

'Squalor Victoria' - The National

'The Criminal Inside Me' - RL Burnside

Reading Night

Last night I went down to this. It was a whole lotta fun. I really enjoyed all the readings and all the people there seemed very nice. Well done to Chris and Sally for organising it all. Particularly enjoyed Jenn and her fish assassination (i never know when to stop spelling that word) training and Socrates and his messy encounter with his boss. There was also a top multi-media bit when Shane Jones read to us via a projection from a laptop or something. It was all very exciting. Being a bloody fool, I was all nervy and fidgety at the start when people were on and consequently drank almost constantly to avoid looking odd. So by the end of the evening I was quite pissed, I hope I didnt make an arse of myself. I look forward to the next one of these nights.

Arrested Development

Don't know why this show didn't make it past a third season but I loves it. Here's a compilation of GOB's best bits. COME ON!

Drunk. Watching Culture Show.

I love Lauren Laverne.

Early retirement

I've noticed recently that every morning, as i'm leaving my flat and walking to the bus, i start thinking about what it would be like to retire. I would get up the same time as everyone else, but then just set up a chair on the pavement and watch people scurry off to work. I would not scurry or do the strange frankenstein lurching I seem to have developed as a means of transport of late, I would mosey or stroll. Or potter about. But mostly I would just sit on my chair and laugh at all the stressed folk running for the 42 bus. I would befriend/annoy the local shopkeepers. I would walk along beside learner drivers practicing maneuvers and shout supportive things like 'GO ON!', 'YOU ARE DRIVING NOW, EH?' and 'DON'T FREAK OUT!'. I would probably need a garden. Given that my flat is roughly the size of a disabled toilet and has no garden outside, I would have to cultivate one on my walls. Sideways plants could be interesting.

These thoughts usually last up until I stick my music on and then they are just irritating and as I travel closer to town it becomes more apparent that I will in fact not be retiring for what seems like approximately 1 million years.

Radiohead at LCCC last night

Amazing gig.

Useless twaddle

I've just come back from the shop with a new razor. This is despite the fact that I already possess a perfectly functional razor and, more importantly, a beard. And yet upon seeing this new, crazy, future razor, I knew I had to have it. It's not even called a razor, its called 'azor' and has been made by 'the king of shaves'. He obviously has good credentials.

Tom Waits for no man

Hello world.

Thought I would start my blog with some words from the great Tom Waits, for it is he. 'Jockey Full Of Bourbon' is a brilliant song from the 'Rain Dogs' album. Have a little deke at it here....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KzbT2vfwPA

TOM WAITS' TRUE CONFESSIONS

(A conversation with himself)

I must admit, before meeting Tom, I had heard so many rumors and so much gossip that I was afraid. Frankly, his gambling debts, his animal magnetism, coupled with his disregard for the feelings of others... His elaborate gun collection, his mad shopping sprees, the face lifts, the ski trips, the drug busts and the hundreds of rooms in his home. The tax shelters, the public urination...I was nervous to meet the real man himself. Baggage and all. But I found him to be gentle, intelligent, open, bright, helpful, humorous, brave, audacious, loquacious, clean, and reverent. A Boy Scout, really (and a giant of a man). Join me now for a rare glimpse into the heart of Tom Waits. Remove your shoes and no smoking, please.



Q: What's the most curious record in your collection?
A: In the seventies a record company in LA issued a record called "The best of Marcel Marceau." It had forty minutes of silence followed by applause and it sold really well. I like to put it on for company. It really bothers me, though, when people talk through it.



Q: What are some unusual things that have been left behind in a cloakroom?
A: Well, Winston Churchill was born in a ladies cloakroom and was one sixteenth Iroquois.



Q: You've always enjoyed the connection between fashion and history...talk to us about that.


A: Ok let's take the two piece bathing suit, produced in 1947 by a French fashion designer. The sight of the first woman in the minimal two piece was as explosive as the detonation of the atomic bomb by the U.S. at Bikini Island in the Marshall Isles, hence the naming of the bikini.



Q: List some artists who have shaped your creative life.


A: Okay, here are a few that just come to me for now: Kerouac, Dylan, Bukowski, Rod Serling, Don Van Vliet, Cantinflas, James Brown, Harry Belafonte, Ma Rainey, Big Mama Thorton, Howlin Wolf, Lead Belly, Lord Buckley, Mabel Mercer, Lee Marvin, Thelonious Monk, John Ford, Fellini, Weegee, Jagger, Richards, Willie Dixion, John McCormick, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Robert Johnson, Hoagy Carmichael, Eurico Caruso.



Q: List some songs that were beacons for you.


A: Again, for now... but if you ask me tomorrow the list would change, of course.


Gershwin's second prelude, "Pathatique Sonata", "El Paso", "You've Really Got Me" (Kinks), "Solider Boy" (Shirelles), "Lean Back" (Fat Joe), "Night train", "Come In My Kitchen" (R.J.) "Sad Eyed Lady", "Rite of Spring Ode to Billy Joe", "Louie Louie", "Just a Fool" (Ike and Tina), "Prisoner of Love" (J.B.) "Pitch a Wing Dan Doodlec (all night long)" H.

Wolf, "Ringo" (Lorne Green), "Ball and Chain", "Deportee", "Strange Fruit", "Sophisticated Lady", "Georgia On My Mind", "Can't Stop Loving You", "Just Like A Woman", "So Lonesome I Could Cry", "Who'll Stop The Rain?..", "Moon River", "Autumn Leaves", "Danny Boy", "Dirty Ol' Town", "Waltzing Mathilda", "Train Keeps a Rollin", "Boris the Spider", "You've Really Got a Hold On Me", "Red Right Hand", "All Shook Up", "Cause Of It All", "Shenandoah", "China Pig", "Summertime", "Without a Song", "Auld Ang Syne", "This is a Man's World", "Crawlinking Snake", "Nassun Dorma", "Bring it on Home to Me", "Hound Dog", "Hello Walls", "You Win Again", "Sunday Morn' Coming Down", "Almost Blue", "Pump It Up", "Greensleeves", "Just Wanna See His Face" (Stones), "Restless Farewell", "Fairytale of NY", "Bring Me A Little Water Sylvie", "Raglan Road", "96 Tears", "In Dreams" (R.

Orbison), "Substitute", "Good Time Charlie's Got The Blues", Theme from Rawhide, "Same Thing", "Walk Away Rene", "For What it's Worth", theme from "Once Upon A Time In America", "Nowadays Clancy Can't Even Sing", "Oh Holy Night", "Mass in E Minor", "Harlem Shuffle", "Trouble Man", "Wade in The Water", "Empty Bed Blues", "Havanagila"

Q: What's heaven for you?
A: Me and my wife on Rte. 66 with a pot of coffee, a cheap guitar, pawnshop tape recorder in a Motel 6, and a car that runs good parked right by the door.



Q: What's hard for you?
A: Mostly I straddle reality and the imagination. My reality needs imagination like a bulb needs a socket. My imagination needs reality like a blind man needs a cane. Math is hard. Reading a map. Following orders. Carpentry. Electronics. Plumbing. Remembering things correctly. Straight lines. Sheet rock. Finding a safety pin. Patience with others. Ordering in Chinese. Stereo instructions in German.



Q: What's wrong with the world?
A: We are buried beneath the weight of information, which is being confused with knowledge; quantity is being confused with abundance and wealth with happiness. Leona Helmsley's dog made 12 million last year... and Dean McLaine, a farmer in Ohio made $30,000. It's just a gigantic version of the madness that grows in every one of our brains. We are monkeys with money and guns.



Q: Favorite scenes in movies?
A: R. De Niro in the ring in Raging Bull.

Julie Christie's face in Heaven Can Wait when she said, "Would you like to get a cup of coffee?.." James Dean in East of Eden telling the nurse to get out when his dad has had a stroke and he's sitting by his bed. Marlena Dietrich in Touch of Evil saying "He was some kind of man." Scout saying "Hey Mr. Cunningham" in the scene in To Kill A Mockingbird. Nic Cage falling apart in the drug store in Matchstick Men...and eating a cockroach in Vampire's Kiss. The last scene in Chinatown.



Q: Can you describe a few other scenes from movies that have always stayed with you?
A: Rod Steiger in Pawn Broker explaining to the Puerto Rican all about gold. Brando in The Godfather dying in the tomatoes with scary orange teeth. Lee Marvin in Emperor Of The North riding under the box car, Borgnine bouncing steel off his ass. Dennis Weaver at the motel saying "I am just the night man," holding onto a small tree in, Touch of Evil. The hanging in Oxbow Incident. The speech by Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner as he's dying. Anthony Quinn dancing on the beach in Zorba. Nicholson in Witches of Eastwick covered in feathers in the church as the ladies stick needles in the voodoo doll. When Mel Gibson's Blue Healer gets shot with an arrow in Road Warrior.

When Rachel in The Exorcist says "could you help an old alter boy father?.." The blind guy in the tavern in Treasure Island. Frankenstein after he strangles the young girl by the river.



Q: Can you tell me an odd thing that happened in an odd place? Any thoughts?..
A: A Japanese freighter had been torpedoed during WWII and it's at the bottom of Tokyo Harbor with a large hole in her hull. A team of engineers was called together to solve the problem of raising the wounded vessel to the surface. One of the engineers tackling this puzzle said he remembered seeing a Donald Duck cartoon when he was a boy where there was a boat at the bottom of the ocean with a hole in its hull, and they injected it with ping-pong balls and it floated up. The skeptical group laughed but one of the experts was willing to give it a try.

Of course, where in the world would you find twenty million ping-pong balls but in Tokyo?.. It turned out to be the perfect solution. The balls were injected into the hull and it floated to the surface, the engineer was altered. Moral- solutions to problems are always found at an entirely different level; also, believe in yourself in the face of impossible odds.



Q: Most interesting recording you own?
A: It's a mysteriously beautiful recording from, I am told, Robbie Robertson's label. It's of crickets. That's right, crickets, the first time I heard it... I swore I was listening to the Vienna Boys Choir, or the Mormon Tabernacle choir. It has a four-part harmony it is a swaying choral panorama. Then a voice comes in on the tape and says, "What you are listening to is the sound of crickets. The only thing that has been manipulated is that they slowed down the tape." No effects have been added of any kind except that they changed the speed of the tape. The sound is so haunting. I played it for Charlie Musselwhite and he looked at me as if I pulled a Leprechaun out of my pocket.



Q: You are fascinated with irony, what is irony?
A: Chevrolet was puzzled when they discovered that their sales for the Chevy Nova were off the charts everywhere but in Latin America. They finally realized that "Nova" in Spanish translates to "no go." Not the best name for a car... anywhere "no va".



Q: Do you have words to live by?
A: Jim Jarmusch once told me "Fast, Cheap, and Good... pick two. If it's fast and cheap it wont be good. If it's cheap and good it won't be fast. If it's fast and good it wont be cheap." Fast, cheap and good... pick (2) words to live by.



Q: What is on Hemmingway's gravestone?

A: "Pardon me for not getting up."

Q: How would you compare guitarists Marc Ribot and Smokey Hormel?
A: Octopus have eight and squid have ten tentacles, each with hundreds of suction cups and each have the power to burst a man's artery. They have small birdlike beaks used to inject venom into a victim. Some gigantic squid and octopus with one hundred foot tentacles have been reported. Squids have been known to pull down entire boats to feed on the disoriented sailors in the water. Many believe unexplained, sunken deep-sea vessels, and entire boat disappearances are the handiwork of giant squid.



Q: What have you learned from parenthood?

A: "Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth." - Erma Bombeck

Q: Now Tom, for the grand prize... who said, "He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of"?
A: Mae West

Q: Who said, "Half the people in America are just faking it"?
A: Robert Mitchem (who actually died in his sleep). I think he was being generous and kind when he said that.



Q: What remarkable things have you found in unexpected places?
A:
01. Real beauty: oil stains left by cars in a parking lot.


02. Shoe shine stand that looked like thrones in Brazil made of scrap wood.



03. False teeth in pawnshop windows- Reno, NV
04. Great acoustics: in jail.


05. Best food: Airport in Tulsa Oklahoma.


06. Most gift shops: Fatima, Portugal.


08. Most unlikely location for a Chicano crowd: A Morrissey concert.


09. Most poverty: Washington D.C.


10. A homeless man with a beautiful operatic voice singing the word "Bacteria" in an empty dumpster in Chinatown.


11. A Chinese man with a Texan accent in Scotland.


12. Best nights sleep-in a dry riverbed in Arizona.


13. Most people who wear red pants- St. Louis.


14. Most beautiful horses, N.Y.C.


15. A judge in Baltimore MD1890 presided over a trial where a man who was accused of murder and was guilty, and convicted by a jury of his peers... and was let go- when the judge said to him at the end of the trial "You are guilty sir... but I cannot put in jail an innocent man." You see - the murderer was a Siamese twin.



16. Largest penis (in proportion to its body)- The Barnacle

Q: Tom, you love words and their origins. For $2,000...what is the origin of the word bedlam?
A: It's a contraction of the word Bethlehem. It comes from the hospital of Saint Mary of Bethlehem outside London. The hospital began admitting mental patients in the late fourteenth century. In the sixteenth century it became a lunatic asylum. The word bedlam came to be used for any madhouse- and by extension, for any scene of noisy confusion.



Q: What is up with your ears?
A: I have an audio stigmatism where by I hear things wrong- I have audio illusions. I guess now they say ADD. I have a scrambler in my brain and it takes what is said and turns it into pig Latin and feeds it back to me.



Q: Most thrilling musical experience?
A: My most thrilling musical experience was in Time Square, over thirty years ago. There was a rehearsal hall around the Brill Building where all the rooms were divided into tiny spaces with just enough room to open the door. Inside was a spinet piano- cigarette burns, missing keys, old paint and no pedals. You go in and close the door and it's so loud from other rehearsals you can't really work- so you stop and listen and the goulash of music was thrilling. Scales on a clarinet, tango, light opera, sour string quartet, voice lessons, someone belting out "Everything's Coming Up Roses", garage bands, and piano lessons. The floor was pulsing, the walls were thin. As if ten radios were on at the same time, in the same room. It was a train station of music with all the sounds milling around... for me it was heavenly.



Q: What would you have liked to see but were born too late for?

A: Vaudeville. So much mashing of cultures and bizarre hybrids. Delta Blues guitarists and Hawaiian artists thrown together resulting in the adoption of the slide guitar as a language we all take for granted as African American. But it was a cross pollination, like most culture. Like all cultures. George Burns was a vaudeville performer I particularly loved. Dry and unflappable, curious, and funny – no matter what he said. He could dance too. He said, "Too bad the only people that know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."

Q: What is a gentleman?
A: A man who can play the accordion, but doesn't.



Q: Favorite Bucky Fuller quote?
A: "Fire is the sun unwinding itself from the wood".



Q: What do you wonder about?
A:

01. Do bullets know whom they are intended for?

02. Is there a plug in the bottom of the ocean?

03. What do jockeys say to their horses?

04. How does a newspaper feel about winding up papier-mache?

05. How does it feel to be a tree by a freeway?

06. Sometimes a violin sounds like a Siamese cat; the first violin strings were made from cat gut- any connection?

07. When is the world going to rear up and scrape us off its back?

08. Will we humans eventually intermarry with robots?

09. Is a diamond just a piece of coal with patience?

10. Did Ella Fitzgerald really break that wine glass with her voice?

Q: What are some sounds you like?
A:
01. An asymmetrical airline carousel created a high pitched haunted voice brought on by the friction of rubbing and it sounded like a big wet finger circling the rim of a gigantic wine glass.



02. Street corner evangelists

03. Pile drivers in Manhattan

04. My wife's singing voice

05. Horses coming/trains coming

06. Children when school's out

07. Hungry crows

08. Orchestra tuning up

09. Saloon pianos in old westerns

10. Rollercoaster

11. Headlights hit by a shotgun

12. Ice melting

13. Printing presses

14. Ball game on a transistor radio

15. Piano lessons coming from an apartment window

16. Old cash registers/Ca Ching

17. Muscle cars

18. Tap dancers

19. Soccer crowds in Argentina

20. Beatboxing

21. Fog horns

22. A busy restaurant kitchen

23. Newsrooms in old movies

24. Elephants stampeding

25. Bacon frying

26. Marching bands

27. Clarinet lessons

28. Victrola

29. A fight bell

30. Chinese arguments

31. Pinball machines

32. Children's orchestras

33. Trolley bell

34. Firecrackers

35. A Zippo lighter

36. Calliopes

37. Bass steel drums

38. Tractors

39. Stroh Violin

40. Muted trumpet

41. Tobacco Auctioneers

42. Musical saw

43. Theremin

44. Pigeons

45. Seagulls

46. Owls

47. Mockingbirds

48. Doves.The world's making music all the time.



Q: What's scary to you?
A:
01. A dead man in the backseat of a car with a fly crawling on his eyeball.


02. Turbulence on any airline.


03. Sirens and search lights combined.


04. Gunfire at night in bad neighborhoods.


05. Car motor turning over but not starting, its getting dark and starting to rain.


06. Jail door closing.


07. Going around a sharp curve on the Pacific Coast Highway and the driver of your car has had a heart attack and died, and you're in the back seat.


08. You are delivering mail and you are confronted with a Doberman with rabies growling low and showing teeth...you have no dog bones and he wants to bite your ass off.


09. In a movie...which wire do you cut to stop the time bomb, the green or the blue.


10. Mc Cain will win.


11. Germans with submachine guns.


12. Officers, in offices, being official.


13. You fell through the ice in the creek and it carried you down stream, and now as you surface you realize there's a roof of ice.



Q: Tell me about working with Terry Gilliam.


A: I am the Devil in the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus-not a devil...The Devil. I don't know why he thought of me. I was raised in the church. Gilliam and I met on Fisher King. He is a giant among men and I am in awe of his films. Munchausen I've seen a hundred times. Brazil is a crowning achievement. Brothers Grimm was my favorite film last year. I had most of my scenes with Christopher Plummer (He's Dr. Parnassus). Plummer is one of the greatest actors on earth! Mostly I watch and learn. He's a real movie star and a gentleman. Gilliam is an impresario, captain, magician, a dictator (a nice one), a genius, and a man you'd want in the boat with you at the end of the world.



Q: Give me some fresh song titles you two are working on.


A: "Ghetto Buddha", "Waiting For My Good Luck To Come", "I'll Be an Oak Tree Some Day", "In the Cage", "Hell Broke Loose", "Spin The Bottle", "High and Lonesome".



Q: You're going on the road soon, right?

A: We're going to PEHDTSCKJMBA (Phoenix, El Paso, Houston, Dallas, Tulsa, St. Louis, Columbus, Knoxville, Jacksonville, Mobile, Birmingham, Atlanta). I have a stellar band: Larry Taylor (upright bass), Patrick Warren (keyboards), Omar Torrez (guitars), Vincent Henry (woodwinds) and Casey Waits (drums and percussion). They play with racecar precision and they are all true conjurers. I'm doing songs with them I've never attempted outside the studio. They are all multi-instrumentalists and they polka like real men. We are the Borman Six and as Putney says, "The Borman Six have got to have soul."