The Apprentice

Hello, I realise I seem to have completely neglected this blog but I do intend to write more on it soon. In the meantime, I have written a review of The Apprentice for my benevolent masters at www.scunt.co.uk. Please go and have a look. Here. Please. Look in your heart. LOOK IN YOUR HEART.

Submitting To Scunt

No, I have not developed some new disease and have decided to write a 'Dealing With Headlice' or 'Living With Bleeding Gums' style pamphlet in blog form. That is not what I have done. What I have done recently is post a review on Scunt which is a satirical website I discovered via twonking about on Twitter. The shadowy figures at work behind the scenes of this very funny site have kindly asked me to contribute some reviews, which I fully intend to do. I have posted one already. It is here. It's 'ok' I think. Hopefully my next one will be better. Please go and have a look.

www.scunt.co.uk

Yours tremendously,

Martin.

Possible BBC shows for the summer.

TWIT MY RIDE

Beloved Hip Hop pioneer Tim 'The Big Dawg' Westwood hides in the back of a random strangers car and reports on their car journeys in his own inimitable style using the popular social networking site Twitter.

"Ethel Brown is turning her swag up to 11 and getting her game on. We off to Tesco for some fresco. We be taking Derby Road by storm! BOOOM!"



I CAN SEE FOR CHILES

Sad faced People's Pundit Adrian Chiles points out objects of interest in the distance whilst grimacing intently.

"I think, I think that's a post office..."





MAD ABOUT THE ROY

'Catchphrase' sensation Roy Walker takes an in depth look at celebrity stalking and the stalkers themselves, the show climaxes with a segment in which Roy is locked in a featureless, windowless room with a large man who has been stalking Roy for 27 years and refers to himself as Mr. Chips.




F###ING KITCHEN B###OCKS S###HEAD

Britain's favourite sweary chef spends a day with an average 'credit crunched' family and ruthlessly tears apart their every meal. Wince as he drowns one of the children in their pathetic bowls of cereal at breakfast, laugh as Mum's piss-poor ham sandwich lunch is set on fire and fired at her leg using a nail gun, whimper as Dad's offensive Shepherd's Pie is kicked around the house before Gordon beats the inferior cook to death using a selection of carefully selected kitchen implements.

All About The Trout

Here is an ace video of the mighty Rainbow Trout, edited by the tremendous Mike Nixon. Have a little look won't you? EH? I said look. LOOK AT ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT.



For more Trout action go here. Just do it, don't make me get up and come over there. They are playing at Trof in Fallowfield tonight with Ten Bears. Woop!

Funny Stuff.

These animations are dark as hell but funny.

Holy Shit This Is Amazing.

MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

Phone Jibber Jabber

I am officially crap on the phone. During my working day I have to make phone calls on a fairly regular basis to other firms, courts, and so on. During EACH of these phone calls I will babble incoherently at least twice. I get flustered VERY easily and whilst panicking about not sounding professional I tend to stammer and forget what I'm saying. I generally sound like a schizophrenic mental patient who has suddenly found himself in charge of a phone and can now finally get in touch with those nice glowing robot unicorns that promised him peace and tranquillity in the future.

During my last call I began to get things wrong and my colleague had to interrupt me several times to correct my mistakes. This reduced me to a mess which sounded roughly like Woody Allen impersonating Hugh Grant after drinking 3 paddling pools of red bull. During this nonsense I am fairly sure the woman on the other end of the line was trying to explain important things to me but I blathered inanely over the top of her anyway.

I could hear her laughing as she put the phone down.

Tommy The Cat

Good Times For Boys And Girls

Went to this again last night. Chris pointed out that I had only missed one so far when I went away to the America for a bit. The reason I keep coming back to the night is because its bloody good fun. The atmosphere is friendly and open, the readings are always interesting and fresh, and it's a good place to get drunk on a weekday with nice people.

Last night Chris was a mere spectator for the night and Miss Sian Cummins stepped up to guest host with the always tremendous Sally . They both did an ace job and dealt very well with the first drunken pain in the arse the night has encountered (I narrowly avoid this description as I usually run out of money before I can be truly annoying) who decided to regale us all with songs and tales of bravery from the motherland. He was very embarrassing and I considered talking in a posh english accent for the rest of the night to disguise our celtic connection. Also thanks to Jay for providing excellent music as always and getting rid of the silly man. Also providing top tunes was Mr. Si Connor, you can find more about him here. He is a good man. All the readings were great, and with each night I'm meeting more people which is nice for me and possibly horrific for those people.

One night I will be all inspired and read something up on the stage. I shall, of course, have to write something first...

25 Very Funny Things

Please go here . It is a new blog by a friend of the tremendous Jenn and the opening post is a magnificent piss take of the '25 Things About Me' nonsense that is plaguing places like Facebook right now. I like alot.

GO HERE, SEE THIS

Go here now.

Go on. Go to this place.

It is a fantastic video that will help you be a better person. Care to argue about that? Eh? Well? No I thought not.

It is a video by Crispin. He has made it to help others. You are others, so go and watch it and you will reap the benefits! REAP I TELL YOU! The words were made by Crispin and the music and the sing song were made by Socrates and Chris .

http://twelvefortyfive.blogspot.com/ - "WE CAN HELP YOU!!"

Brittle Branches Bloody Brilliant

Please have a look at this.



It's a video for Si Connor's brilliant song 'Brittle Branches' from his tremendous 'Seaside Surprise' EP. I think the video compliments the song perfectly. I also think that I just complimented the video perfectly. It was directed and edited by the mighty Mike Nixon. You can catch Mr. Connor playing songs in a live manner at this next Monday. Do it.

UPDATE: This video is so good it is taking up extra space on my page.

"Noooo waayy Jose..."

I love this

GOD LOVES THE WORKING MAN

I have spent all day today clearing all the useless paper and crap off my desk and out from under it. This has been encouraging, as I now have space to work and can reach for important documents with ease and even a certain sophisticated style, but also depressing, as I have unearthed a box of documents that were all supposed to be filed away many moons ago and were not due to my lack of work ethic. Now I'll have to spend days filing them in the appropriately named 'Dead Room' (as in where the 'dead' files go) which has the warmth and charm of an underwater tomb. I have no work ethic. I hate working. If I had my way I would sit on a comfy chair eating re-generating pizza and playing all the latest xbox games that magically appear in my console whilst I slowly but steadily expand.

Today there were some protestors that tried to 'occupy' the university building my friend works in. I never know how to feel about protests. I admire people taking a stand for something they believe in, mainly as there is not much that I actually feel that strongly about. I would be quite annoyed if More4 stopped showing The Daily Show, but it's highly unlikely that I would take to the streets over it. I enjoy Diet Coke but the banning of said drink would not drive me to take action and 'occupy' a coffee shop.

SAVING THE WORLD...ONE PERSON AT A TIME

The good people at 'No Chance: A Quarter To One' have accepted me into their loving arms and together, we shall help all those who seek enlightenment.

Go forth...and learn...